From Soup to Nuts: Grandma’s Election Night Repast
by Patricia J. Williams
published in The Daily Beast, November 4, 2008
Premier Plat: La Soupe
Throw a hambone into a bucket of water and bring to a boil.
If John McCain wins: Add one large stone. Ask your immediate neighbors to bring over a carrot or a potato, if possible. Season with bitterroot and a gathering of tears. Turn down to simmer and serve sparingly so as to last the next four years.
If Barack Obama wins: Invite everyone within shouting distance and tell them to bring all that they can carry of the manna from heaven that will have rained down upon us in such profusion. When the pot runneth over, serve unto the hungry hearts of the beloved community, garlanding bowls with generous bunches of home-grown arugula.
Plat Principal: La viande
Brandish your sidearm until it goes off accidentally. See if what falls is a crow, a moose or a pollster. Defeather, debowel or debrief. Devour until extinct.
Build a pyre of thanksgiving. Throw on sacrificial lamb, unfairly scaped goat, as well as your firstborn. Close your eyes, cross your fingers and hope to high heaven. Watch them spring from the ashes, clean and articulate, with new spring in their step. Order Chinese.
Trosieme Plat: Le Dessert
Assiete de McCain:
All-Americans apple pie a la mode. Substitute rainbow sorbet for vanilla ice cream. Serve with the champagne spirits of a brand new day.